As a mother of four grown daughters, I have learned that motherhood is about constantly negotiating boundaries.
Much of their raising I did on my own, seriously appreciating the ’me time’ when they visited their Dad. It gave me space to keep sane.
It was a pretty good arrangement I believe, me in the country with forests and ponds, him in the big city with shopping malls and theatres.
They had the benefit of both worlds and I am grateful for that.
I wanted the best for them.
It is really hard to be a parent, especially coming out of generations of PTSD, addictions and poverty that resulted in such a seriously dysfunctional society as we in the west live in. I had to relearn everything about parenting and made many mistakes along the way.
I know I hurt each one of my children in ways I do not know or understand. All parents do.
My girls grew up in an environment where it was OK to be yourself and speak your mind, and they do. It is because of this I have been able to witness the changing dynamics over the years as each of us evolve, change and grow, renegotiating our boundaries as we go along.
Remember the ‘NO’ stage of the two year old, the stage where they are learning to assure themselves in the world, find their place and learn their boundaries?
That is our first chance to negotiate space and relationship between parent and child.
We that have experienced the passing of a generation have witnessed at the funerals and in the estate offices, all the family patterns of negotiating space, sometimes with grim results.
It is a lifelong process, life changes with every breath and a healthy family must change with it. Each member of the family constellation negotiates their new needs and asserts their changes as life goes on. Children bring in partners and friends, grandchildren are added and boundaries change. Parents get old and have different needs, there is death, there is birth, it is life.
As a sane parent it is our job to have done enough of our personal work to root deep in our own space to allow our children to negotiate their space around us, no matter 2 or 72.
As the cycles of life turn, season to season, everything and every one changes. The maintenance of healthy relationship demand constant renegotiation of boundaries. When one of the members is angry at another, the rest can hold space for resolution, no matter what that looks like. In the grand scheme of things, life after life, sometimes healthy resolution means a cutting of ties.
Most times the push-pull of conflict stretches and grows all of us, but sometimes our boundaries create a deep separation and sometimes a severing of bonds.
It is really important to know why we are rooted in certain places and to weigh out whether the relationship is important enough to us to shift our perspective, or if our morals and beliefs demand us hold our place no matter the backlash. I learned all of this from my daughters and am very blessed that we love and respect each other, even when we disagree. I am grateful to them every day for what I have learned about being a mother.
Being a Mother helps me understand the Great Mother so much more.
She is constantly negotiating boundaries with us, her human children. Like any wise parent, she is giving us the chance to make our own societies, to see what we do with our ideas, how we express our souls here. She allows us the opportunity to make our own mistakes and to learn from the consequences of our actions.
Our societies have raised us and we each reflect the reality we were born into. Many of us were raised in dysfunctional families with misogyny, classism, racism and the resulting poverty and addiction. Some small few were raised in dysfunctional families with the idea of privilege and the wealth to continue that assumption, A very, very few were raised close to the earth and with spirit.
We have not all been created equal. Some of us, generationally, are just coming out of oppression, slavery, war and genocide. We need time to heal such wounds. Most of us were raised in patriarchy, where the feminine is disrespected and abused. Those steeped in generational privilege do not want their lot to change and are fighting to maintain their position.
We are all at differing stages of development. Many of us seem to be in an adolescent age of pushing hard, disrespecting our earth, our mother, taking all she provides for granted. Some seem like toddlers in a ‘gimme’ , ‘mine’ temper tantrum, but I do notice a few adults trying to settle things down. Most of us look on in horror as the kids fight it out.
The compassion I feel for what I see humans doing to each other comes from knowing the pain created when raised by a corrupt system.
The anguish of watching people make very bad choices can only be a faint echo of what the Great Mother feels.
It must be agony to watch us destroy so much of what she has given us.
It must rip her heart out to see us take so much and push so hard against her.
She gave us free will and with that we have overall chosen destruction, not creation.
We have allowed the most corrupt, the most damaged of humans assume control of the resources of the planet.
We the children of the Great Mother, have given the bad kid the power, we put the bullies in charge.
What I have learned from being a mother is that all relationships change as the seasons change and I believe we are on the brink of a big one.
I think the Great Mother is negotiating boundaries with us.
The bullies need to be put in their right place and the adults among us need to stand up and take responsibility in the great family of humanity.
The Mother needs our support.
We have messed up the house, thrown wild parties, and are facing the aftermath.
Those of us who stood by and let the angry, frightened kids get out of hand, have a lot of work ahead of us. There is a lot of healing and renegotiating of space ahead to help heal these kids.
Those who are still pouting and claiming their right take what they want, have the best and biggest rooms in the house, stealing from and trashing everything around them need some time out!
The Great Mother has set her boundaries. We all know what is expected of us. It is time for the teenagers to grow up and help support the family’s healing into a healthy household.
Time to roll up our sleeves and clean up our mess.